Man at midlife making second half matter

Archive for the category “ethics”

Man in the Mirror: ‘Compare In, Not Out’

In the substance abuse therapy group I co-led as an intern, the group leader would tell members to “compare in, not out” when he detected a member analyzing whose addiction was worse than another’s, assessing who among members engaged in more risky or reckless behaviors or seeking salacious details about others’ misfortunes and misadventures.

The leader’s message to the addicts was as clear as the typical pre-school teacher’s emphasizing individual responsibility and self-control to easily distracted and influenced children focused on others: “Worry about yourself.”

It’s a simple message, but one that takes discipline and introspection to implement, whether for the purpose of changing addictive behaviors or many other goals or pursuits in life in which the temptation is to compare ourselves to the status, abilities, fortune and accomplishments of others. The era of social media has compounded the phenomenon of “comparing out” through the instantaneous access we have into the windows of others’ lives – their new jobs, kids’ achievements, lively social gatherings, adventurous vacations and other things of which to be envious.

We would be more satisfied with our lives if we would “compare in, not out.” To me, “comparing in” means evaluating myself according to my assessment of my own Man in Mirror 2potential, my ability to strive for and attain goals I believe are worth pursuing, being happy with what I have at any given time rather than desiring what I don’t, and living life in a way that makes me feel positive about my actions, conduct and treatment of others, even though it will be far from perfect.

Still, living life without “comparing out” is a challenge for me, as I imagine it is for nearly everyone who hasn’t mastered some form of meditation or inner peace.

Right now, I am struggling against “comparing out” as I begin my second summer as a seasonal tennis instructor at a large beach resort tennis club, a “gig economy” interlude as I make a career transition to counseling.

Among the instructors, several of whom are year-round employees, it is apparent that I am ranked lower in the pecking order, understandably and justifiably as a seasonal staff member, similar to last summer. I know what I have to do to be successful is to conduct each clinic and private lesson to the best of my ability, stay upbeat and high-energy, engage clients in a friendly, interested and courteous manner, and work cooperatively with the staff as part of a team. But I still find it hard to resist comparing the assignments and the number of on-court teaching hours I get – which determines income — to others. Such “comparing out,” and the ruminations it causes, only makes me feel worse; on the other hand, “comparing in” when I give my all for a lesson or clinic, or assist a fellow instructor when needed, makes me feel positive.

My career transition from public relations to counseling is another area where I have to fight the lure of “comparing out” and instead “compare in,” basing my assessment on what I deem is fulfilling and achieves a sense of purpose. Though there is potential for income growth with the establishment of an independent counseling practice in the future, my first job in the profession likely will pay about half of what I was making in the public relations position I left. Eyeing the reality of my pending job search, it is challenging to avoid “comparing out” to other professionals in my age group who may be at the height of their earning potential and aren’t worried about scraping by. That’s when it’s important to “compare in” and realize I chose this path for a reason and I am fully responsible for my decision and the outcome.

“Comparing in” is difficult because it puts the onus squarely on us for our own successes and failures, our current condition in life, our decisions and behaviors, and, perhaps most importantly, the way we feel about ourselves and our own satisfaction and happiness. When we compare ourselves only to our own standards, goals, morals, ethics and beliefs, we strip away self-delusions and rationalizations and are forced to see only the “Man in the Mirror,” our only true compass.

You’re Gay? No Therapy for You!

A law enacted this year by the Tennessee legislature affecting the counseling profession shows how some politicians are simply jackasses pursuing their own myopic, discriminatory agenda.

My forthcoming book, Don’t Knock, He’s Dead: A Longshot Candidate Gets Schooled in the Unseemly Underbelly of American Campaign Politics, details some of the more repulsive and corrupt aspects of politics and those who practice the art. But the Tennessee law strikes close to home, as I am in the process of completing a graduate degree and clinical internships in counseling and becoming a mental health therapist.

Tennessee politicians passed a law allowing mental health counselors to decline to treat any client if counseling that client involves “goals, outcomes or behaviors that conflict with the sincerely held principles of the counselor.”

This law’s not-so-subtle aim is to allow counselors to discriminate against clients who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT), an attempt to strike back against gains won through the legal system recently for gay marriage and equal treatment. The so-called “sincerely held principles” law also would allow counselors to deny services to clients for any number of discriminatory reasons, such as if counselors disagreed with principles of Jews or Muslims, or with principles of cohabitating unmarried couples. Essentially, the law is codifying discrimination.

The law is in direct opposition to the American Counseling Association Code of Ethics, which states that counselors must avoid imposing their own values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviors on clients. In other words, the Code of Ethics forbids counselors from turning away clients who may be gay because they have certain attitudes or beliefs about gay people or the gay lifestyle.

Why Tennessee politicians felt they had to meddle in a self-regulating profession that is functioning well on its own is baffling, and demonstrates that many politicians are out-and-out jackasses using their office to impose their own narrow views on the populace. The American Counseling Association and the Tennessee Counseling Association vehemently opposed the law, yet politicians with little knowledge of the counseling profession and the profession’s ethics saw fit to ignore the experts in the field.

Could you imagine if a legislature passed the same kind of law in opposition to the medical profession’s ethics, allowing doctors to decline to treat gay people based on “sincerely held principles?” An emergency room doctor knows a patient rushed to the hospital is gay, and just passes on treatment?

Or the nurse’s code of ethics? How about police? A police officer has a belief in opposition to gay people, so decides not to protect and serve during an assault because of that principle?

It should be no different for the counseling profession. And any counselor who declines to provide services to gay people has no business being in counseling. Hold onto your beliefs, values and religion, but get out of counseling, because your attitudes and discriminatory behavior don’t belong. Counseling must be one place where people who are gay – or people from any other social or religious group — are accepted without discrimination or judgement, not another place where they will be rejected for who they are.

I am disgusted by Tennessee’s law and the complicity of a majority of the state’s lawmakers and its governor who promulgated it to promote their own brand of hate and unfounded fear of people who are “different.” Jackasses, all.

I stand firmly behind the American Counseling Association and its Tennessee affiliate in all efforts to get this law repealed and show other states, some of which are following suit, that such discriminatory legislation will not stand. The ACA already has taken one bold action to show that counselors do not accept the blind and narrow-minded stupidity of legislators by pulling its 2017 national conference out of Nashville, TN, striking a blow to the state’s economy and sending a message. More strong messages are in order.

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