midlifedude

Man at midlife making second half matter

Archive for the category “mortality”

Midlife Men and Divorce: Risky Business

For the capstone class – the 22nd! – of my 5 ½-year master’s degree program in clinical mental health counseling, I had to choose a narrow “clinical population” for a research project. Somewhat shamelessly, self-servingly and unimaginatively, I essentially chose myself: a midlife man who has experienced divorce.

The findings were not pretty for the divorced midlife’s male’s future, though I acknowledge I intentionally selected research that highlighted why this population would be candidates for mental health treatment.DivorceHeartPhoto

Research has come to varying and sometimes contrasting conclusions on divorce and midlife men (roughly age 35 to 60), and mitigating factors are difficult to account for. However, numerous studies have shown that midlife men who have experienced marital breakdown have had greater propensity to become depressed, anxious or develop other psychiatric disorders; abuse alcohol or drugs; suffer from higher rates of illness, earlier death and suicide; harbor anger; live with loneliness and social phobia; qualify for work disability; and experience lower levels of physical health, mental and emotional well-being, and happiness and self-esteem.

And the majority of time, men aren’t the ones pulling the trigger on divorce, which studies show is one of the most psychologically distressing events in life. Research indicates that wives frustrated by an inability to improve their troubled marriages may be more likely to end them, with one study concluding that husbands initiate only a quarter to a third of marital separations.

These are research-based outcomes of divorce that pose challenges for the midlife man:

  • Recently divorced men were more likely than other groups to receive psychiatric treatment and be prescribed medication for mental health disorders. One study concluded that major depression was nine times higher among men who had been separated or divorced compared to stably married and single men.
  • Remarriage in midlife brings with it a whole new set of complications and negotiations that cause stress, indicating that marriage alone does not prevent mental and physical problems. One study found that remarriage was associated with an increased risk of depression compared with men who remained divorced.
  • Men often rely on their wives for their social lives and support for their health and emotional well-being, as women generally have stronger social support networks. Without their marriage, men can become prone to social isolation and loneliness.
  • A common dynamic of divorce is “non-acceptance” of marital dissolution. The ongoing feelings of attachment are associated with depression. The reality for some divorced fathers is continuing angry disagreements with and hostility toward their former wife a decade or more after breakup.
  • Once divorced, men’s physical health can decline, as wives often assume a role for monitoring and influencing their partner’s health behaviors.
  • While women experiencing divorce were at higher risk for mood and anxiety disorders, men were at higher risk for new substance abuse disorders. One study indicated that divorced 46-year-old men comprised a disproportionately higher share of binge and heavy drinkers compared to other groups of the same age.
  • The mortality risk for inconsistently married men (those who had divorced and remarried) was more than 40 percent greater than for consistently married men, and men who were currently separated or divorced had a mortality risk 2.5 times greater than consistently married men.
  • Men who had been divorced had a higher prevalence of work disability many years after the initial divorce.

As for me, I was the prototype of the midlife divorced male: separated at 42 and divorced at 45 in an action initiated by my ex-wife, with two pre-adolescent kids. I also have remarried, and while my wife Amy has been a wonderful social and emotional support, as the research indicated about wives, the second union has inevitably come with some stress due to new family dynamics and inter-relationships, financial complications and psychological adjustments.

I have avoided many of the pitfalls of the midlife divorced male, such as substance abuse or physical health decline, but did not escape divorce unscathed. When first threatened with divorce and teetering on the brink, I suffered from depression that affected my appetite, sleep, energy level and concentration. I struggled with non-acceptance when the reality of pending divorce flooded me like an unstoppable tidal wave. I lost a big chunk of my social connections and outlets. Worst of all, it was hard not to feel like a failure at something so important, and as a letdown to my kids.

Researchers have come to different conclusions over whether such a thing as a “midlife crisis” really exists, or whether it is a pop culture phenomenon, especially for men. But there’s no doubt that midlife is the time men walk through the landmines of marital upheaval, and when they are most prone to its potentially harmful and long-lasting mental health effects.

 

Use Your Time Wisely

Death is an unpleasant topic. Naturally, people want to avoid thinking about it. I’m no different. Whenever my wife, the ultimate planner, wants to talk to me about making plans and arrangements for my own inevitable death, like an advance health directive, so she and our kids aren’t clueless about my wishes or forced to shell out money for services I neglectfully avoided covering, I balk or change the subject.

But when you reach midlife, inevitably you start confronting the reality of mortality more frequently. In 2016, that reality has hit me harder.

During one two-week stretch, two vital fathers in their 40s who were involved professionally in the tennis industry – one instructor whom I knew and the other a friend of a tennis academy owner for whom I was working – each died. The teacher I knew, Bobby Hoffman, was stricken with cancer. The other died unexpectedly of a heart attack.

Recently, my father’s partner’s daughter, in her early 50s, who I got to know well during several visits, was found dead of unknown causes. A few weeks later, my father’s partner also passed away suddenly, perhaps stricken by grief.

Earlier in the year, I discovered a woman I had dated when we were both in our 20s, who went on to achieve remarkable success in the newspaper business, had died of breast cancer at 49.

I only have one surviving parent, and he’s closing in on 80. His brother, my beloved uncle, died in 2000 of juvenile diabetes shy of 60.

This post feels like a real downer as I write it. But as a counselor-in-training who embraces the existential theory of counseling – the search for meaning and purpose and concepts such as free will and individual responsibility to chart our destiny – death is an inescapable aspect of life that, if acknowledged and confronted, can be used by individuals to maximize their potential, deepen relationships, set and pursue goals, determine priorities and enhance the joy of living.

There comes a point in life where we are hit like a brick between the eyes to tell us we don’t have forever, like it once seemed. It sounds trite, but it’s true and a lesson learned only with maturity: It’s what we do with the time we do have that gives life its meaning. Time is our most precious commodity. It’s cliché, but true again: We don’t know how much time we have. Bobby Hoffman didn’t; my tennis buddy’s friend certainly didn’t. And the greatest shame would be to piss it away.

Post Navigation