midlifedude

Man at midlife making second half matter

Archive for the category “new year”

Thoughts on Struggle, Resilience, Gratitude and Grace

Counseling has given me a new perspective on struggle, resilience, gratitude and grace, at this time of year when we may slow down enough to think about these phenomegracena.

I’m working as a therapist intern at a mental health agency in Baltimore that serves low-income clients. Many have substance abuse problems. Some have been drug dealers. Some have spent time in prison. Many have been victims of crime or domestic abuse; some have perpetrated violent crimes.

Some have been homeless or evicted with no place to go, and some are on the verge of homelessness. Some are shunned by their families. Some were criminally abused or neglected as children.

All are struggling mightily, yet they have resilience. They want better. They want to overcome. They don’t quit. The question, however, is always: How motivated are they to change? When I think about resilience I’ve had to summon to face challenges, it doesn’t compare.

Many of our clients are on the margins of society, nearly invisible. Many have dropped out of the job market. Some want to return, but it’s a struggle to re-enter. Some have become isolated or reclusive, out of distrust or fear of failure, rejection or disappointment. They want independence, but it’s a struggle to get there; many have to lean on others for help. It’s easy to see: Once you fall into a hole, the climb to emerge can be arduous.

They are grateful for people who care about them, whether a therapist, a social worker or a friend or family member who stuck by them during difficult times when others didn’t. They are grateful for sobriety, kids and grandkids, and new chances.

Our clients inhabit a world and have lived through experiences with which I had no familiarity until my counseling internships. For the clients who have let me into their worlds and taught me about the enormous challenges they both inherited and created themselves, I am grateful. They have blessed me with a real-world education that books and classes can’t approximate. I hope I am providing a certain kind of education for them in return.

As for grace, Gerald G. May, M.D. described “living into grace” in Addiction & Grace:

“Living into the mystery of grace requires encountering grace as a real gift. Grace is not earned. It is not accomplished or achieved…It is just given.

“But living into grace does not depend upon simple receptivity alone. It also requires an active attempt to live life in accord with the facts of grace [which]…are simple: grace always exists, it is always available, it is always good, and it is always victorious…

“The risk, of course, is to my addictions; if I try to live in accord with grace, then I will be relinquishing the gods I have made of my attachments…I must make conscious efforts of will; I must struggle with myself if I am going to act in accord with those facts. Living into grace requires taking risks of faith.”

As we enter a new year, I hope and pray our clients are able to recognize grace working in their lives and find the strength to take the risks of faith to live into grace.

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Fly Free Kids, Fly Free!

It’s a new year, and things are new, especially for my kids.

The little ones are growing up and fleeing from the nest, and there’s nothing I can do about it!

In 12 days, my 20-year-old daughter Rebecca, a student at the University of Maryland, will board a plane for France and a semester abroad. I’m proud of her for being curious and adventurous, and I’m glad to support her experience attending college in France and traveling throughout Europe. I’m sure it will be an experience that will last her a lifetime, which has more value than any other way you can spend money beyond your basic survival needs.

But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a little worried about the terrorist activity in that part of the world, with the attacks on Paris nightspots and the Charlie Hebdo newspaper. Thanks ISIS devotees, I’m sure your benevolent God would be pleased to know us parents sending kids to Europe for an education and to see the world have a little more reason to worry, other than just being an ocean away. Mission accomplished!

Regardless, I predict my daughter will return speaking fluent French, with international contacts for her Facebook account, cravings for tartar and newfound confidence for navigating the world.

My 17-year-old son Daniel, who also just gained admission to the university of his choice for Fall 2016 (and even got some scholarship

DanielFirstDrive

Son Daniel set to roam free the first night he had his drivers license

money to boot!), got his driver’s license just over a month ago. Since then, he’s been a social maven, driving himself to all manner of social gatherings, and even going clothes shopping for himself at the mall. He’s been given the responsibility and trust to be independent.

 

My kids, who I remember driving me crazy as I tried to corral them in the grocery store as 4- and 2-year-olds, running down aisles and toppling piles of boxes on shelves, are most assuredly growing up and on their way to becoming self-sufficient, productive young adults. I’m proud of them for that, and will shamelessly take a little credit for myself for providing at least adequate parenting.

I don’t believe in being a “helicopter parent,” hovering over the offspring to try to solve all of their problems and protect them from any mistakes. I believe in giving them their independence and responsibility, allowing them to make their own choices (within reason, while they are still attached to their parents financially), and keeping unnecessary worrying to a minimum.

That means one thing, unless or until there is a major hiccup that absolutely requires a helicopter rescue: Fly free kids, fly free!

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