midlifedude

Man at midlife making second half matter

Archive for the category “panic attack”

Why Worry? Because I Can’t Not

AnxietyWhy should I worry

Why should I care

They always told me

Life isn’t fair

 

Everything is futile

Why should I try

Ain’t gettin’ nowhere

It’s just one big lie

 

When it gets really bad

Paralyzed by fear

Can’t catch my breath

Desperate for some air

 

Tryin’ to sleep

As my worries run high

After hours of tossin’

Can’t help but cry

 

Can’t shut my brain down

It’s surging on overload

Worry on steroids

About to explode

 

The walls, they’re always closing in

Suckin’ down more and more Klonopin

Heart beatin’ out of my chest

Damn, if I could only get some rest

Sweat pourin’ down my back and head

God, sometimes I wish I were dead

Don’t matter I know that wouldn’t be right

It’s a battle I’m always havin’ to fight

 

Why should I worry

I’ll tell you why

Nothing goes my way

No matter how hard I try

 

Can’t make a mistake

For that would spell certain doom

Only way to avoid that

Is to stay in my room

 

Why get out of bed

What’s the point anyway

I feel better in the dark

Hidden far away

 

Everybody’s judging me

I’m a failure and a fraud

Everybody hates me

I swear even God

 

Anxiety’s got its grip on me

Poppin’ pills, tryin’ to set myself free

Runnin’ out of Xanax way too quick

Gotta hit the streets to get my next fix

But those little pills run out after so long

Only other option is to light up my bong

Yeah, maybe it’s just a way to avoid

But it still beats feeling so paranoid

 

Dread around every corner

Trouble everywhere

I’d like to take a risk

But better not dare

 

Tryin’ so hard to stay in control

So everyone thinks I’m OK

But on the inside I’m ‘fight or flight’

Every single, God damned day

 

Sometimes gotta pull my car

To the side of the road

Feel like my heart’s beatin’ out

From the weight of my load

 

My mind racing so fast

Feeling like a rock stuck in my belly

Ain’t no fun to wake up each morning

Like a quivering blob of jelly

 

Nobody else knows what it’s like

To constantly live with your finger in the dike

If I took it out, there’d be such a rush

My emotions would swamp me, and I’d turn to mush

Maybe if I did, it would be a relief

To just unload all of my grief

But then everyone would wonder, what the hell’s wrong

No, can’t do that, gotta seem strong

 

Sometimes my anxiety

Makes me so sad

That’s when my depression

Gets really bad

 

Have visions of a gun

Pointed at my head

Wouldn’t everything be so peaceful

If I were just dead

 

No longer need to worry

Everything would be just fine

My mind would finally be quiet

Heaven doesn’t make you wait in line

 

Only problem about it

Insurance wouldn’t pay

I’d only hurt my family

By going out this way

 

But now I’ve decided to make a stand

I refuse to hurt myself by my own hand

I’m going to someone so I can clear my head

Of this constant, miserable sense of dread

So far, I feel it’s doing me some good

When I started, never thought it would

Finally, I can see myself feeling more whole

And reconnecting with my long-buried soul

 

Tryin’ to change the way I think

And how I act

Never realized how much

Thoughts have an impact

 

I’m developing new skills

To stay calm and cope

That’s giving me

A new sense of hope

 

I’ve started to meditate

Instead of lightin’ up a joint

I’m finally accepting

My counselor may have a point

 

I’ve got a long way to go

To get out of my own way

Learned the only way for me to live

Is going day by day

 

Anxiety is still with me

Still causes me some strife

But now that I’m more mindful

It doesn’t rule my life

 

There is hope after all

Though it doesn’t come in a hurry

Against this curse called anxiety

And once uncontrollable worry

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