midlifedude

Man at midlife making second half matter

Archive for the tag “communication”

Deep in the Heart of Texas

Even though I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 11 years, we’ve never lived more than five miles from each other – until now.

Those five miles have become 1,500 miles, as Theresa moved to Texas this summer to be with her husband, who was transferred to Houston for his job.texas

For the first time in those 11 years, my house becomes the sole home base in the area for our two kids, who are both in college in their home state of Maryland.

I always thought I would be the more likely one to move, but things can change fast in life. Theresa surprised me and beat me to it. With the kids’ mom no longer in the area, I feel some extra sense of responsibility to stay close even as I’m developing a growing sense of wanderlust for a new environment and a fresh start as I transition to a new counseling career after 28 years in Maryland. The dynamic gives me conflicted feelings.

Theresa’s Texas move marks another type of transition. During the kids’ years in secondary school, I saw Theresa on a regular basis for school events, athletic activities, certain family gatherings and transitions of the kids from one house to another each week. Though we didn’t talk a lot, we were cordial and always had the chance to discuss situations concerning the kids when necessary.

Now our estrangement is much more complete, as the saying goes, “Outta sight, outta mind.” The combination of both kids’ entry into college, my summer away from home teaching tennis at a resort and Theresa’s move has resulted in minimal communications. Perhaps that’s just the way it is with divorced parents when the kids leave home, but I still believe as parents, we have the common bond of our kids forever and we shouldn’t lose touch. We know them best and care about them most. Ideally, I believe we should not be strangers. Perhaps that’s unrealistic.

I anticipate being virtually out of touch, now that my ex-wife is Deep in the Heart of Texas.

It’s So Funny How We Don’t Talk Anymore (Ode to Cliff Richard)

My ex-wife got remarried two weeks ago. It hardly registered, good, bad or indifferent. Our past time together is so distant now.

We’ll be forever connected by our two kids, 19 and 16. Other than that, I can’t say I know her at all anymore. It’s strange how someone once so important can become so inconsequential – her to me and me to her – except for the perpetual link. That’s just the way it is.

I briefly sensed caring from my ex-wife when my mother died in October 2013 and she attended the memorial. That’s the last time. It’s strange to feel like you don’t matter much to someone when at one time you mattered a lot.

We met at college when we were 19, and dated senior year. She was editor of the college newspaper, the overachiever. I was a writer, not as driven or intense. It was kind of always like that. We went separate ways after college, and after a year, the relationship flamed out.

We rekindled a long-distance relationship at 29, and got married at 30, at our alma mater. It was a pretty cool, lost-and-found love story. It didn’t last.

We split up after 11 years in 2005, when the kids were still in elementary school. Eerily, the kids were about exactly the same age as my brother and I when my parents split up. The protracted end was awful. The final break up was a relief.

As the kids have gotten older, we’ve communicated less and less. I’ve barely talked to her the last several years. When I do try to discuss something concerning the kids, she usually has somewhere to go, something else to do, another call to make. I’m accustomed to squeezing any conversation into three minutes or less.

Over beers on a trip to Florida with my good friend, when we talk openly about jobs, marriage, kids, sex, and old girlfriends, the topic of my relationship with my ex-wife came up and how well we communicate for the sake of the kids. I told him we’ve done a really good job. The kids are well-adjusted – one is in college, and the other is on track. Neither has suffered any manifest big problems due to the divorce. We must be communicating well, I told him.

“No, you don’t. You don’t communicate at all,” he assessed. It hit me. He was right. We talk the bare minimum — the occasional money or scheduling issue. Maybe that’s all there should be between divorced parents. Maybe that’s more than a lot of divorced couples. Regardless, it still strikes me as sad that as the parents of two kids, forever joined by that bond, I know so little about how she parents and her thoughts about the kids’ futures, their current challenges, how they’ve changed and adjusted as teenagers, how they can develop their potentials, whether she has any concerns, and if so, how to address them.

I’ve grown weary of trying to engage. It’s easier not to, though it doesn’t strike me as the best approach.  But maybe this is the way divorce should be. Leave it to history. Everyone moves on. We don’t talk anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1wdAoSulm8DivorceCake

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